brain trust

someone else's alarm clock woke me up this morning. there is a scent of twelve different kinds of soap in the air. footsteps in the hall vary in weight and determination.

ah, dorm life.

i'm here in bennington working at what i love so much, trying to learn more about who i am as a teacher and a human being, trying to get through dense articles written by strange german men and coming to grips with terms like "phenomenology". trying to participate in exercises where we figure out the relative position of the moon to the earth; where we are given a passage in greek and asked to decode as much as we can. trying to make my voice heard and asking what something means when i just don't get it.

i've become really brave about raising my hand when i'm lost in a room.

meanwhile, during my breaks, i come back to my room and read agatha christie and watch "the daily show" and eat chocolate and listen to music, because i have to keep myself in check and in line. despite this work, despite the intensity of thought and focus, i am still in need of the things that keep me sane. things that keep me interesting.

so many of my peers here have been working in their fields for decades, have been studying descriptive inquiry since i was a kid. i am amazed at their tenacity and work ethic, and most of all at their ability to retain information. simply put, they are really fucking smart. and it takes all that i have everyday to not go down the very crooked path of beating myself up for not being an intelligent person, for not being an academic.

'cause i'm not.

i'm trying to remind myself that my smartness is anchored in moments with other humans, in my capacity for love and respect and thirst for connection. i'm most brilliant when i'm with someone who needs me. i'm smart enough to know to offer my thanks to the people who work in the cafeteria everyday. i've got enough brain power to realize the beauty of my surroundings and the opportunity for growth that presents itself here.

i'm not book smart, not full of theory.

just smart enough to feel like i deserve to live on this planet, like i have something to offer the other creatures who are here on it with me. and for today, for this beautiful morning, i'm gonna say that's brainy enough.