both kids had strep this week; one went back to school today and the birthday boy is still at home with a low-grade fever. meanwhile, his father and i got nailed on the same day; fevers, chills, coughs--a first in our 20-year relationship, i think.
i haven't had a fever in many, many years. maybe not since childbirth. its an interesting world to be in--full of hot and cold at the same time, fuzzy around the edges, feeling like i just want to crawl into my bed and stay there for a long, long time.
i don't do "sick" well at all.
for some reason, i keep thinking about what this past week would've been like if we lived in massachusetts, near our families. put simply, we would've had help. there would have been people to help take care of our children, thereby taking care of us. someone else would've made us some soup, probably, instead of me trying to throw stuff in a big pot while i take breaks on the couch, covering up with a huge comforter.
did i mention its in the 80's today?
i don't let myself go to this place too often these days; this place of longing for the life i could be having back east. it's too dangerous for me, like running my finger along the edge of my just-sharpened knife. it's too easy to sink back into the comfort of my alternate universe, and i've worked really hard to stop doing that and pay attention to what is right in front of me.
still.
i do mourn for that life of mine, the one where my children see their grandparents so much they start complaining every time we say they are going for a sleepover. dear god, a sleepover.
there is nothing i would like more than to reinstitute sunday family dinners, like we used to do when my pa and grammie were alive; of course, this time there would be a lot less meat served. but still. we would be together. my children would know their cousins, know them so well that they might get in fights sometime. and they would know that february brings chill and coldness and frost and snow and bitter winds. most of the time.
it's so strange to think about how far apart most families are these days. i know that i'm certainly not the only one missing my people. i know i'm lucky, in that i get to visit a couple times a year. make no mistake, there are many families in this city of angels that have had to say goodbye and know it will be years, years, years, before they can touch each other again. i know how blessed i am, being a white girl with resources. i have not overlooked this.
but today, i wish my mom could take care of me a little bit. i wish i could go outside for a breath of fresh air to cool my burning cheeks. i wish that my family was near me, so that i could unabashedly ask them for help.
i wish i was back home, just for today.
