sad

woke up this morning to the sound of rain hitting the roof of a house that isn't mine.

i think today i've got the vacation blues. i'm weary of suitcases and transporting and packing and repacking and no trader joes. i'm just tired.

can't stop crying, to be honest.

more sad news this week as an old friend's brother from high school died unexpectedly at age 40. wondering what it is about this summer, about all the dying that has been around me. i mean, i know people die all the time--every hour, minute, whatever--if you think about it in a global sense this is not a shock. there is no sense or reason to this. this is life on this planet. beings die, beings are born. we all go on.

still, this one is getting to me.

kevin was one of the nicest people i've ever known, and even though i hadn't seen him for many years it is clear that he continued to inspire everyone who knew him. he was a good person for this place. he took care of others, strangers and family alike. he was deeply loved.

and so now all of these people who are in his circle are mourning him. and i'm mourning him for his brother, who was one of my closest friends in high school. and for his parents. dear god, his parents. this is when people say "i can't imagine what they are going through" but the truth is, we can. we all can.

i can, and i guess this is one reason why i'm so sad. it seems there's always a moment in grief when it takes a more self-reflective stance (selfish?) and i think about what it all means for me. maybe everyone does that. maybe its natural. but i look at my family, my life, and think about what it would mean if i died suddenly tomorrow, or if alex did. or my brothers. or any of my dear friends.

i don't have a will, or life insurance. don't have plans for what should happen to me after i go. none of that stuff. i guess if anything this summer sort of shakes me into action about that. i have to make some plans, don't i? its time.

but for today, i'm just so sad. thinking about this small community of mine, this franklin, massachusetts town--a place where i am forever connected to these people who shaped my teenage years and helped to make me who i am right now. we are all so sad.

the rain came along to help us today.