i am a bit sun-kissed, a bit wind-blown from my day at the lake. we went to an island for lunch, made s'mores, saw bald eagle nests and babies, dipped ourselves into the clear, cool water. i layed myself belly-down on the dock and stared between the wooden slats at the tiny waves, making myself very, very small in the process.
i was tiny and young and little, all at once.
never mind that getting into the water without a ladder has become a challenge in body function; jumping up from a prone position never looked less graceful, but hey, it is still my body and it still works.
this morning, before the picnic, i went for a walk/run. basically, i walk fast and run every once in a while, but i admit that running does not get me off. running feels like a chore, whereas walking feels like a respite. when i run, my gait does not find a rhythm or a gentleness, but when i walk, i feel like i'm on some olympic team, and i'm not ashamed of it.
it's always a challenge for me when i walk fast past two really-in-shape women who are runners. i feel deflated and defeated, like they won some race i couldn't muster up enough energy to enter. this thought seeps into my brain, and then the next knee-jerk thought of "fuck that!" comes right on its heels. nevertheless, it remains a challenge to be confident in the face of faster, skinnier exercise.
why does vanity continue to play such a part in my daily life, goddamnit? aren't i over myself yet? do i really care this much?
blech.
i look down at my legs after a fast three and a half mile walk and i imagine the muscles bulging--and they are there, truly--but the cellulite and aged skin taunt me from the surface and it really makes me feel small, but not in the good way that i felt when i was on the dock today.
i am not small. i am big, large, tall-ish, broad-shouldered, wide-hipped, full-bellied, and getting stronger all of the time. this i write to remind myself, and you.
i don't have time for this bullshit any longer. who does? who has the time left to make oneself feel like crap, or to ignore the very beauty in each finger or toe that is hers? i certainly don't. i have lots to do, people, and can't be bothered with this take-down attitude any longer.
it is enough for me to be worthy of all the goodness i can muster for everyone else. i need it too. there is only so much i can divvy out without letting it come back to kick me in the ass.
so.
tomorrow i leave lake george, and head back to my parents' house. i am in preparations for my yearly trip to bennington, trying to get my brain around the deep thinking that is required there, trying to gear up for the next phase of this summer work time.
this vacation has become nothing short of a renewal for me; reinvigorating myself with the simplicity of movement and fresh vegetables and silence and laughter and strengthening my biceps and flossing my crooked, tightly-spaced teeth.
this is my vacation, and this is my work, and it is more important than you can know.
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