her big toenail got smashed a couple of weeks ago, and it finally reached the stage where we needed some intervention. after letting her scream and cry about the injustice of it all for a while, i took her to my mom's doctor and paid $220 to have a nurse practitioner take some toe pliers and try to nudge it off her toe.
this procedure lasted five minutes, and the girl held onto me and moaned and clutched at my hands in pain, and i just sat there and watched as the nurse determined it couldn't come all the way off, so she had to cut as much of it as she could.
it was pretty gnarly.
still, i was so proud of my kid. not because she didn't cry, but because she gave over to what had to be done, and took it with grace. she gave over to five minutes of constant pain. no one had to hold her down or bribe her. she did it her nine-year old self.
okay, maybe i offered her a trip to target afterwards. there was a bit of bribery. i admit it.
still, i'm proud of her.
i'm down to my lowest dose of my meds in a while, and getting the "brain zaps" that so many people wrote about on the web. it happens all of a sudden; there's an electricity that goes down my right arm and then a jolt that hits me and makes me dizzy on my left side. very disconcerting. drives me a bit bonkers, but i know it'll be gone in a few days, once i adjust to the new dose. it's strange, knowing that i'm putting my brain through this, but i remain my own science experiment.
i sent postcards to my old class and my new class today. i'm ready to get ready for school.
this morning my parents started sniping at each other at breakfast, and i had to leave the table. i realized that i wanted to write IMMEDIATELY; the impulse was so strong it almost bowled me over, but writing has become difficult lately. mostly because i don't know how honest i should be. even just writing about my parents arguing makes me feel a bit odd; i don't care about pouring stuff from my own damn self out here, but when it gets into family dynamics i edit the hell out of things.
i don't like to do that. i wish i could just say what i could say without judgment.
my father is currently laughing out loud by himself to "young frankenstein" (the gene hackman scene) while my mom is hanging with the kids in the pool, wearing her "bad" bathing suit. she saves it just for the family.
trust me, no one should see it.
i drove around my town today, doing errands. went to the post office and sent three boxes of books, including one full of magazines from my great-grandmother. i think i'll save talking about those for another post. went to the supermarket, saw my parent's neighbor, amazed by all of the Red Sox goods on display. saw people glance at my tattoos and make judgeyjudgments and well, okay, sorry, whatever. drove fast in my mom's kia, knowing somehow the car was happy to feel the acceleration, just like me.
i'm working my way towards friday, when we fly back to Los Angeles. i cannot wait to love my dogs hard, to see my friends, my people, to feel the crappiness of my very own mattress instead of trying to figure out how to sleep comfortably on those set out for me here. i look forward to having my clothing in drawers, to be able to find things i am looking for, to curl up on my own couch watching television that i have chosen to watch.
such simple pleasures.
still, i know there is the inevitable letdown i will feel once i have left this land behind me for another summer. i know there will be melancholy and missing and i will be okay with this.
i just heard--from the room where my dad is watching the movie--"hello, handsome!--- this is a good boy... YOU ARE A GOD!"
as alex says, no one yells better than gene wilder.
i'm proud to be part of a family that frequently quotes mel brooks' movies. it's part of my heritage as a middle-class white girl, and i'm okay with that.
i'm okay with all of this. i have to be. i am.
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