my kids, like all good american children, are enjoying "the simpsons" marathon on fx, and although we are about to park our butts in the large lot that is known as "the school year", we decided to give them one more night of all-out delight. truly, their choice of show could be worse. if nothing else, lisa simpson is one of my heroes.
anyway, tomorrow i begin as a 5th/6th grade teacher. the room is ready, sort of. i gave the wrong number address to the shipping company who is sending us new futon couches for the cozy/meeting area (giving them the number to the preschool where i taught over ten years ago) so it's been a crazy journey trying to locate said pieces of furniture. they were supposed to show up today, but i stayed until 5:30, to no avail.
i've given over to the idea that the room is not perfect, nor would it be even if the goddamned couches had shown up today. still, it's sorta a bummer, considering it was because of my own brain not quite working the way it should.
i've given over to the idea that my hair is not the way i'd like it to look, but since i cannot make it grow overnight, i am resigned to a quasi-louise brooks kind of thing. whatever. it's just hair.
i've also given over to the fact that i am wading into unknown territory tomorrow. i've come to grips with the reality of me never having taught 5th and 6th grade before, of me moving from Kindergarten to pre-adolescents. watch me do it. just watch me. i don't know what it will look like yet, but i know it's going to happen no matter how much i twist myself up about it.
it's strange to think about the amount of anxiety circling around houses tonight, on the eve of a new school year. i know my children will have trouble falling asleep. they've already told me so. and last night i tried to drift off but kept having visions of things i had forgotten to do, so i'd grab my phone and type a note and try to get back to some deep breathing and nice beachy visualizations. it worked, sort of.
i saw some of my new students today, as they came in to say hello, and i saw myself in their faces--saw our mutual nervousness and anticipation and hope, hope, hopefulness for a good year. for love and acceptance and feeling smart and full of prowess and power and creativity. hope hope hope.
tomorrow morning, i'll wake up early and try on a dress and cross my fingers that it fits well enough and decide which pair of converse to throw on with it. i'll make my lunch and pack my bag and jump in my car and wind my way over to the correct address of 14702 sylvan street. i will parallel park somewhere with extreme talent. and then i'll walk in through the gate, my heavy bag on my shoulder, my sneakers giving me buoyancy and emotional support, and grab my key and open the classroom door.
and i'll walk in. and just like that, my new school year will have begun. with or without couches; with or without overwhelming feelings of confidence--i'll just be in it, doing it, living it, with twenty-one other humans who feel pretty much the same way i do.
just like that, we begin.
No comments:
Post a Comment