tomorrow i watch my twelve-year old son graduate from elementary school: decked out in a suit, purple shirt, socks and hat. that's the plan, at least. it's hanging in his closet, ready to be broken in. he will actually wear a belt. today, attempting to try it on for the first time, he tried to slide the buckle through the loops first.
welcome to the world of grown-up clothes, milo. save the buckle for last. just a tip.
tonight i cooked veggies and farro for dinner; nothing special, nothing fancy. just small delight in cutting up different colored carrots, so grateful for the already-caramelized onions in my fridge. just a little dinner. just a little moment in my life, but somehow the thankfulness for a sharp knife and fresh veggies just did me in a little bit.
walked the dogs around the neighborhood, saying hi to people i don't know. listening to a story on "this american life", so happy to hear it i laugh out loud when the crooner says the cops stopped to request "summer wind." how full of life. goodness. moments of humanity so strong they bowl me over with fierce love for this world and its inhabitants.
i find myself wanting to be more poetical about all of this, but i just can't tonight. tonight, it's as plain as the nose on my face.
later i'll go to my closet and attempt to find something to wear tomorrow that fits me. this attempt will coincide with all of my heart's will to refuse the thoughts that nothingfitsbecauseoftheweightgainmystomachmybreastspointthewrongwaynowmywaistcan'tmaintain
thatdress'swaistlineanymorewhatawastetojusthaveithanginmycloset...
blah blah. you all know the drill. i'm bored of it. the drill bit is dull. i need a replacement.
my brain! my brain, my beautiful, crooked brain.
crooked little heart, crooked spine, crooked view of my body.
blah blah blah.
today i sent off my kindergarten class with a wish and a remembrance: "this book is for you; and what i'll remember the most about you is how much ENERGY your body had! how excited you were for each day! how you loved to play with your friends so much!!" all of these coded comments that give way to wry, shy smiles on the children they belong to. god help me, but i love them. despite everything--despite myself and my teaching fails this year--i love them all. i sent them on their way to first grade with love and hopefully a firm number sense.
summer is raising her gloriously ugly head around here, and i welcome her with an open heart and mind. the weight of so-much-to-do-this-summer has taken me, but i will shake it off now and then to enjoy the freedom of a non-scheduled life. ah! she is pretty cute, that summer season, when she wants to be. she always promises a lot, and has always delivered interesting developments during her months. summer; with the bared skin and freckles emerging, legs having to be shaved more often, toes painted, nights longer and sundown lingering on my face.
tonight i'm feeling content, even as the police helicopter does its swirly roar above my house. just try and fuck with my mood tonight, Los Angeles! just try. i'm impervious, impenetrable. woman of steel with a moss-soft heart looking to maintain this hopefulness.
i'm here, just sitting here, absorbing all of this life in front of me.
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