bunny

i lost it tonight.

i'm feeling the stress of starting college again, especially since my financial aid and registration are all fucked up. i'm trying to just go forward with my assignments and do the work. i'm trying to keep it all together, knowing that my dedication to 8-hours of sleep a night is not long for this world. knowing that if i want to keep exercising i'm going to have to wake up at 5:15 to do so. knowing that i have even less time to spend with the people i love the most.

tonight i was furiously typing a response to my online assignment as my kids were struggling to go to sleep in the other room. they decided to have a sleepover, milo in selkie's bed, but for various reasons it wasn't working. finally milo came out and was red-eyed, trying not to cry, but obviously upset, wanting to go back into his room.

i told him he could, and asked him what was wrong, and he started to cry but said, "i don't want to tell you, okay? don't ask me, okay?" and i said i wouldn't but asked if i could walk him back to his room, and maybe then he would tell me.

which he did. sometimes its easier in the dark.

"i need a stuffed animal. i don't have any stuffed animals anymore." this is what he tearfully told me. i reminded him that he had given selkie a few of his animals, including his beloved bunny that he'd had since he was three weeks old. he broke down even more when i suggested he take it back (having no problem with it at all, since his greedy little sister has ridiculous numbers of stuffed animals, and she played on his kindness in order to get bunny--whom she immediately dressed up in a skirt, which was so wrong--anyway, i digress), telling me that he didn't want bunny, that he had given it to selkie, and that he needed new stuffed animals.

i said, "buddy, can i ask you a question? do you think that maybe you don't want bunny anymore because he seems a little bit too young for you? is that what it is?"

and he said, breaking my heart a little bit, "yeah, that's kind of it."

this is where i was glad it was dark, because i didn't want him to see that i was crying, too.

i asked him if he had any money saved, and he said he had about $22 dollars, so i told him we could go online tomorrow and do a little research. i asked him what animal he'd be interested in. "a snake, a long one. and next would be a dragon, but not a cute one."

i could tell he wanted the conversation to be over, just like so many of our talks lately. before i left, i told him that he could definitely have bunny back, and that i didn't think bunny was too cute at all.

"he's more scruffy, i think. don't you?" milo said. i told him that was exactly it. and then i tried one more time, and said that i would go and get bunny for him for tonight, so that he could get some comfort from him. "NO. please mommy, i just want to go to sleep," he said, starting to cry again.

i kissed him, told him goodnight, and he said, "sleep well," just like he does every single night, just like he has done ever since he could say it to me.

then i went out to the living room and cried onto my keyboard. i immediately hid my essay and started searching for snakes and dragons online, soft ones to sleep with but not babyish ones that would embarrass my 9 and a half year old boy.

i found some. there is a little hope.

later on i went into selkie's room again, her fourth time calling me, ready to ream the kid for all the interruptions and the complaining, when milo came in to check on what was going on. i softened my tone when i saw him, asked him if he was okay, told him selkie wanted him to sleep with her again, and he agreed to try one more time.

and that's when i noticed that he had bunny in his arms.

"hey, you got bunny back?"

he nodded his head and cuddled up with selkie. she said, "i gave bunny back to milo." "that was really nice of you, selkie. thanks for doing that."

seriously. thanks so much. you'll never know how grateful i am that bunny is back where he belongs.