bootiful

thursday afternoon and i come home to an empty house.  everyone else, including the dogs, are at a friend's house, and i have moments to myself.

i'm just letting that sink in a bit here.

today i woke up and put on my new/old doc martens that i just got for mother's day.  i also put a flower in my hair, because i'm determined to do that more now that i'm forty.  i'm going for a signature look here.  this could be it.

i used to own another pair of docs, but gave them away long ago.  these were the ones that i bought in london when i met my husband.  i was so proud of those shoes.  they were dark maroon, black laces, big and clunky and perfect, and they made me feel like i could take anyone, anyone, anyone down who messed with me.  i wore them with granny dresses for years.  they were gorgeous.

i saw this new pair at the pasadena flea market last weekend, and i knew that they had to be mine.  i was with my friend amber, who prefers heels, and who has been my own personal fashion guru for many years now.  however, much as she tries, she can't take away the overalls/baggy/clunkyshoe core of this girl.  and when she saw me try them on and i lit up like the july 4th sky, she said she hadn't seen me that happy in a while.

is it wrong to be in love with a pair of shoes?

i'm not denying that their power is more about how they make me feel.  i am on solid ground when i wear them.  i am straight and tall and full of insight about this world, and i really like myself.  all it took was some wrangling with the two fine gentlemen who were selling them (okay, maybe i fluttered an eyelash or two), and $15 bucks later i was in possession of self-confidence.

strange how it happens sometimes.

there is a demand inside of me right now to take care of myself.  i seem to be doing this in several ways. for starters, i'm trying out some anti-depressants for the first time in my life.  this is a big deal to me.  it was not a decision i entered into lightly but i felt like it was time.  so here i am, slightly medicated.

i'm also going to the gym, that beloved little ymca right down the road from me, and doing the circuit machines while listening to the same songs over and over.  i think "shuffle" is a crock, by the way.  i have over 900 songs on that ipod; how come i have to hear britney spears' version of "i love rock and roll" every single time, and sometimes twice?  (i didn't put it on there.  just to be clear).

i'm also writing again, trying to gently tell myself with each word i type that i have to say.

for today, it seems like i do.  and it can best be summed up by this: whatever it takes, whatever form it comes in, i am sitting here with open arms awaiting the joy i think i deserve.

so for today, i sit down on my chair and gently unlace my boots, grateful for their support, knowing that  the weight of them was a constant reminder of the pull of gravity.  it is enough for today to just know that i am awake and walking on this earth.