massafornia.

tonight my son listed all of the reasons he hates california:

1. it's not green enough.
2. our family isn't there.
3. it never snows, at least where we live.
4. it's too far away from massachusetts.
5. and, finally, "i just don't like it."

what do i do with this child of mine who has somehow found his way into the tiny fissure in my heart that i've tried to repair all of these years?

it's not about me, of course.  i've tried really, really hard to make it clear that Los Angeles is our home, that our people are there; i swear i have.

back me up on this one.

i know it was rough a few years back but ever since i found my calling at children's community school i felt like i could cobble out a home for myself there.  i had my kids, my husband, some of the best people in the entire world surrounding me with their love and light--what more did i need?

but the truth is, my son has inherited my sense of space and surrounding.  he needs to be comforted by the world around him, and as he grows older, i think he knows that his body is not meant to spend the rest of its life in a town where trees can be scarce and air can be murky.  he's already casting his mind's eye forward to a time when he can no longer be a california boy.

of course, when i tell him that he can always plan to go to school in massachusetts, his reply is that he wants to but he has to be able to live with "you guys".

ah yes, therein lies the problem.

home is where the heart is, people.  that's what many country kitchen placards say, and i know that to some extent i believe that.  but i also know that place itself--the sanctity of a place that speaks to you and calls you forward and blesses you with all it can muster, thereby making you wholesome and true--place itself pays a part in the search for home.  at least in my family.

california, you know i adore you. you made me the woman i am today.  i will always be grateful to you, and pledge allegiance to the wonders and diversity that you hold.

but massachusetts, goddamn you; you are a temptress and a tease, while at the same time being a soulmate that i cannot ignore.  when i am inside of you, i am alive in a way that no other place makes me.  you turn me way, way on.  i can't ignore you, forget you, or revoke you.  you are in my blood and on the worn-out soles of my feet.

this isn't about choice.  this is about acknowledging that one woman (and one boy) can have one hand in each place, holding on for dear life.

let us grab hard, and with passion, milo.  i'm right there next to you.