alone time.

just watched my family drive away from me, my daughter howling from sadness in the back seat.

i'm alone for a day and a half with my parents before i head to my conference in bennington, and my ears are adjusting to three people being out of this tiny house.  amazing how i can hear the air in my ears, that tinny, ringing sound that accompanies silence.

of course, my niece and nephew and mom are upstairs, so its not all that quiet.

still.

that's what i need to focus on for the next couple of days: regaining some stillness in my heart.  i'm not good at being away from my family, and yet i need it with all my soul sometimes.  i forget just how much i should spend on my own breath, letting me just bathe myself with what i have to offer this world.

last night my daughter and her friends went through our 1990 yearbook and cracked themselves up silly at the names, clothes and hairstyles from "the olden days".  we were told that the 80s were the worst time to get dressed.  they found our hair amazing.  they thought we were doofuses.

we were.  still are.  but back then, we had baby-fat cheeks and the fresh-faced optimism about the world and our lives.  thought love would last and nights would never end.  thought everything had the weight of a bon jovi song, and that we needed to know all the words all the time.

it was a long time ago.

i remember how, when i was 17, i was so scared to be alone.  i hated the idea, thought it meant that i wasn't loved.  i still have that somewhere inside of me, but i know better.  i have to find myself sometimes, take the minutes given to me and focus them inside of me.

i've had a blessing of a vacation in the past week: spending quality time with my favorite women, and now having a bit of respite to allow me some room before i go and pour my heart out as a teacher at my conference.  i'm very, very lucky.

of course, there is still the fact that my parents are with me.  maybe i'm not alone as i'd like to be.  

i'm good at hiding, however.  although, since i've been writing this, my mom has yelled out my name three times, asking for me.  "do you need me?" i asked.  "no!  i just miss you!" she responded.

breathe.  breathe.  breathe.