fam-damn-ily.

there is nothing like time spent with a person from my other family.

you know the one i mean.  that family that you choose, surround yourself with, pledge yourself to; even though you don't share one whit of dna.  this is the family of friends i'm speaking of.  people who love you as much as your blood relatives but without the damaging history or guilt.

sigh.

i jumped in badly tonight with melanie watching; told my mom that we were going to the cape one day this week with the kids and she just threw it back, telling me that it wasn't fair that i was taking a day away from her.  that i wouldn't understand until i had my own grandkids how unfair it feels.

i argued back, vindictive and strong.  the wrong tactic to take, always.  i learn and then i forget, especially in moments like these.

eventually she said "whatever" and i know this takes a lot out of her to say this, to acquiesce,but nevertheless i felt myself come close to losing it. 

when i hugged melanie goodbye i really wanted her to grab me and take her with her.

i'm without the buffer of my ever-patient, ever-supportive husband.

there have been so many things written about blood family: i have nothing new or important to say about it, other than it is always a work in progress.  i am always trying.  i am always breathing.  i am always looking for a pause, and let my body sit quietly for a minute.

i am always forgiving, and asking for forgiveness.

i am always struggling, and giving into the struggle.

i am always attempting.  

a lot has changed since i grew up recently.  it used to be that i couldn't let a moment pass without flailing my judgment haphazardly.  i'm a better listener, i think.  at least most of the time.  i'm hopeful that when i grow all the way up i'll be able to take care of everyone, including myself, and find grace in each situation handed to me.

meanwhile, i take these days away with my oldest friend: lunch at whole foods, random shopping and fragments of conversations flitted from one store to the next, laughing hard at a movie together, finding myself again through the company of a decades-old friendship.  fueling myself up for the inevitable return to the people who i belong to, and who belong to me. this is the work of my life in the summertime. 

i'm grateful for every second of it.