there are hourly electrocutions! double-takes of the mind! a little shiver, a little shake! holy shit, it's like a frickin' rollercoaster on acid up in here!
i look down for one second and my mind just skips a wee bit. not enough that you'd notice it, but enough that i am disconcerted, completely and utterly. it's almost like being dizzy, except that i can't claim that lovely physicalness of motion. it's sort of like when you get a shiver in the cold and you can't control the shake; this, my friends, is all in my mind.
mostly. sometimes it shoots a little arrow down my hands and arms, tingly all, the way you'd feel if you touched a bit o' electricity. static cling in my body; this glorious thing that is jonesing for the meds the way i search out good bakery items.
i'm trying to ride this out. i know it's only been a few days, and i'm in at the tail end of my little experiment, but man, these fried-brain moments are most unpleasant. i am here, but i am not here. i feel okay, but i don't feel so good. i am drug-free, but i am still bucking along on top of the bronco called "zoloft".
yee haw!
i love myself enough to know that this whole thing might not work, and i might need those meds again. i might decide it's better for me, and my family, and my world. and that's okay. it really is.
but i also love myself enough to want to try to find out what it's like to be in my own head again, without the little foreign do-gooders messing with my junk. i might be able to take care of my own junk, damnit. it might just be okay, as long as i keep meditating and exercising and eating lots of ice cream and chocolate and laughing raucously, without fear of reprisal.
for now, i'm just going to cradle myself as much as a person can who's about to embark on a 3-day open-air camping excursion with 37 ten and eleven-year old students, 8 parent chaperones, and three other teachers. what better time to wean myself from my smack, i ask you?
what better time?
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